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Success is a great deodorant. -Elizabeth Taylor |
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Source:...
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Source: In Webster's Electronic...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Source: In The Speaker's...
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but...
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Source: From BilLee's...
I broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me...
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Source: In Webster's Electronic...
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Source: In
I got food poisoning today. But I don't know when I'm going to use it.
Source: In...
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Source: In
I think God is going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Source:...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.
Source: In
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Source: commedian
-- Steven Wright, (Dec 6...
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Source: In Webster's Electronic...