Steven Wright

Steven Wright: I was a...

Steven Wright: I was a...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

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Steven Wright: If it's a...

Steven Wright: If it's a...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a...

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Steven Wright: I planted some...

Steven Wright: I planted some...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Source:...

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Steven Wright: You can't have...

Steven Wright: You can't have...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Source: In Webster's Electronic...

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Steven Wright: I took a...

Steven Wright: I took a...

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

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Steven Wright: Everywhere is walking...

Steven Wright: Everywhere is walking...

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Source: In The Speaker's...

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Steven Wright: I hate when...

Steven Wright: I hate when...

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

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Steven Wright: I bought my...

Steven Wright: I bought my...

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but...

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Steven Wright: Did you sleep...

Steven Wright: Did you sleep...

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Source: From BilLee's...

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Steven Wright: I broke a...

Steven Wright: I broke a...

I broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me...

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Steven Wright: My theory of...

Steven Wright: My theory of...

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Source: In Webster's Electronic...

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Steven Wright: I was trying...

Steven Wright: I was trying...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Source: In The Ultimate...

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Steven Wright: I got food...

Steven Wright: I got food...

I got food poisoning today. But I don't know when I'm going to use it.

Source: In...

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Steven Wright: If a word...

Steven Wright: If a word...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Source: In The...

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Steven Wright: I think God...

Steven Wright: I think God...

I think God is going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Source:...

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Steven Wright: There's a fine...

Steven Wright: There's a fine...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

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Steven Wright: I have an...

Steven Wright: I have an...

I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.

Source: In The...

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Steven Wright: What's another word...

Steven Wright: What's another word...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Source: commedian
-- Steven Wright, (Dec 6...

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Steven Wright: Sponges grow in...

Steven Wright: Sponges grow in...

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

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Steven Wright: It's a small...

Steven Wright: It's a small...

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Source: In Webster's Electronic...

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