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Steven Wright: I took a...

Steven Wright: I took a...

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

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Jack Benny: Jack Benny played...

Jack Benny: Jack Benny played...

Jack Benny played Mendelsson last night. Mendelsson lost.

Source: In Quotable Quote...

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Benny Hill: Do unto others,...

Benny Hill: Do unto others,...

Do unto others, then run.

Source: From an Internet collection of quotations.
--...

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Jeff Foxworthy: You may be...

Jeff Foxworthy: You may be...

You may be a redneck if . . . your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

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Emo Philips: I got a...

Emo Philips: I got a...

I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the...

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Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any...

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Groucho Marx: Please accept my...

Groucho Marx: Please accept my...

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a...

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George Burns: I honestly think...

George Burns: I honestly think...

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you...

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Bob Hope: You know you're...

Bob Hope: You know you're...

You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

Source: In...

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George Burns: It's good to...

George Burns: It's good to...

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

Source: In The Ultimate...

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Bill Cosby: I don't know...

Bill Cosby: I don't know...

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

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Joey Adams: A psychiatrist is...

Joey Adams: A psychiatrist is...

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for...

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Mel Brooks: Every human being...

Mel Brooks: Every human being...

Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give...

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Fred Allen: Hanging is too...

Fred Allen: Hanging is too...

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

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Gracie Allen: All the other...

Gracie Allen: All the other...

All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I...

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Amie Comeaux: Some things are...

Amie Comeaux: Some things are...

Some things are meant to happen
Some things are bound to be
Love has a way of making doubting hearts...

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Jean-Luc Godard: I like a...

Jean-Luc Godard: I like a...

I like a film to have a beginning, a middle and an end, but not necessarily in that order.

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Herbert Beerbohm Tree: He is an...

Herbert Beerbohm Tree: He is an...

He is an old bore; even the grave yawns for him.

Source: Referring to Israel...

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Bette Davis: Never, never trust...

Bette Davis: Never, never trust...

Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine. It means they're phonies.

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Mary Astor: Once you start...

Mary Astor: Once you start...

Once you start asking questions, innocence is gone.

Source: A Life on Film,...

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