I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

I don't give a damn for man that can spell a word only one way.

If He Tom Sawyer had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do and Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

I'm glad that the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner.