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Groucho Marx: If income tax...

Groucho Marx: If income tax...

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for...

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George Burns: If I get...

George Burns: If I get...

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a...

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Helen Gahagan Douglas: I never felt...

Helen Gahagan Douglas: I never felt...

I never felt I left the stage.

Source: On being a politician; Center Stage,...

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Sarah Siddons: The awful consciousness...

Sarah Siddons: The awful consciousness...

The awful consciousness that one is the sole object of attention to that immense space . . . and on all sides round,...

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Barbra Streisand: Men are allowed...

Barbra Streisand: Men are allowed...

Men are allowed to have passion and commitment for their work . . . a woman is allowed that feeling for a man, but not...

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Judy Garland: I've never looked...

Judy Garland: I've never looked...

I've never looked through a keyhole without finding someone was looking back.

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Ilka Chase: The only people...

Ilka Chase: The only people...

The only people who never fail are those who never try.

Source: In Instant...

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Camille Paglia: Our major universities...

Camille Paglia: Our major universities...

Our major universities are now stuck with an army of pedestrian, toadying careerists, Fifties types who wave around...

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John Lee  Hooker: To you and...

John Lee Hooker: To you and...

To you and all of my friends . . . especially my fellow mens . . . It's a big wide world . . . We come a long ways . ....

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Milton Berle: Why are we...

Milton Berle: Why are we...

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Source: At a Howard...

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Jackie Mason: Did you ever...

Jackie Mason: Did you ever...

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant -- even if they wanted to be one?

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Jerry Stiller: I don't think...

Jerry Stiller: I don't think...

I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.

Source: In...

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Jerry Stiller: It can make...

Jerry Stiller: It can make...

It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the...

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Henny Youngman: How to drive...

Henny Youngman: How to drive...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Source:...

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Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any...

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Groucho Marx: If you've heard...

Groucho Marx: If you've heard...

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

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Charlie Parker: Any musician who...

Charlie Parker: Any musician who...

Any musician who says he is playing better either on tea, the needle, or when he is juiced, is a plain straight liar ....

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Chet Atkins: Once you become...

Chet Atkins: Once you become...

Once you become predictable, no one's interested anymore.

Source: In The Book of...

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Chet Atkins: If you hear...

Chet Atkins: If you hear...

If you hear something you like, and you're halfway like the public, chances are they'll like it...

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Paul McCartney: I used to...

Paul McCartney: I used to...

I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird...

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