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Steven Wright: I planted some...

Steven Wright: I planted some...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Source:...

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Henny Youngman: If you're going...

Henny Youngman: If you're going...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

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George Carlin: I was a...

George Carlin: I was a...

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

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Harry Lauder: I love a...

Harry Lauder: I love a...

I love a lassie, a bonnie, bonnie lassie,
She's as pure as a lily in the dell.
She's as sweet as the...

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Jeff Foxworthy: You may be...

Jeff Foxworthy: You may be...

You may be a redneck if . . . your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

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Jimmy Durante: All of us...

Jimmy Durante: All of us...

All of us have schnozzles . . . if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our...

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Jackie Mason: Money is not...

Jackie Mason: Money is not...

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

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Jackie Mason: It's no longer...

Jackie Mason: It's no longer...

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you...

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Emo Philips: You don't appreciate...

Emo Philips: You don't appreciate...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a...

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Emo Philips: I got a...

Emo Philips: I got a...

I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the...

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Groucho Marx: I eat like...

Groucho Marx: I eat like...

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Source:...

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James A Garfield: I mean to...

James A Garfield: I mean to...

I mean to make myself a man, and if I succeed in that, I shall succeed in everything else.

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Marguerite de Valois: Tears may be...

Marguerite de Valois: Tears may be...

Tears may be dried up, but the heart -- never.

Source: In Words of Women Quotations...

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Queen Victoria: An ugly baby...

Queen Victoria: An ugly baby...

An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed.

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Louis XIV: There is little...

Louis XIV: There is little...

There is little that can withstand a man who can conquer himself.

Source: In The...

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Elizabeth II: The upward course...

Elizabeth II: The upward course...

The upward course of a nation's history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its average men and...

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Ninon de Lenclos: Feminine virtue is...

Ninon de Lenclos: Feminine virtue is...

Feminine virtue is nothing but a convenient masculine invention.

Source: c. 1660,...

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Stanley Baldwin: The attainment of...

Stanley Baldwin: The attainment of...

The attainment of an ideal is often the beginning of a disillusion.

Source: In...

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Herbert Henry Asquith: One to mislead...

Herbert Henry Asquith: One to mislead...

One to mislead the public, another to mislead the Cabinet, and the third to mislead...

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George Washington: Lenience will operate...

George Washington: Lenience will operate...

Lenience will operate with greater force, in some instances than rigor. It is therefore my first wish to have all of...

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