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George Washington: To be prepared...

George Washington: To be prepared...

To be prepared for War is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.

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Robin Williams: Cocaine is God's...

Robin Williams: Cocaine is God's...

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Source: In The...

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Flip Wilson: If you think...

Flip Wilson: If you think...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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Joe E Lewis: I don't like...

Joe E Lewis: I don't like...

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Source: In The Ultimate...

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Bob Hope: A bank is...

Bob Hope: A bank is...

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.

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Ed Howe: Some mornings, it's...

Ed Howe: Some mornings, it's...

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Source:...

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Woody Allen: I was thrown...

Woody Allen: I was thrown...

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year. . . for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the...

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Woody Allen: If you're not...

Woody Allen: If you're not...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very...

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Woody Allen: Of all the...

Woody Allen: Of all the...

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose...

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Joey Adams: A genius is...

Joey Adams: A genius is...

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Source: In The Ultimate...

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Joey Adams: If you break...

Joey Adams: If you break...

If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.

Source:...

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Dennis Miller: Trends don't mean...

Dennis Miller: Trends don't mean...

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if...

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Joan Rivers: People say that...

Joan Rivers: People say that...

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key...

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Fred Allen: Hanging is too...

Fred Allen: Hanging is too...

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

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Minnie Pearl: God has a...

Minnie Pearl: God has a...

God has a plan for all of us, but He expects us to do our share of the work.

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Beatrice Lillie: [R]eaction and laughter...

Beatrice Lillie: [R]eaction and laughter...

[R]eaction and laughter come easier at an evening performance, when the audience is more inclined to forget its...

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Amie Comeaux: When you smile...

Amie Comeaux: When you smile...

When you smile at me
You take me to a world I never thought I'd see
Your eyes can touch my soul
And fill me...

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Fred Astaire: Disco is just...

Fred Astaire: Disco is just...

Disco is just jitterbug.

Source: In The Speaker's Electronic Reference Collection,...

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Robert Mitchum: Every two or...

Robert Mitchum: Every two or...

Every two or three years I knock off for a while. That way I'm constantly the new girl in the...

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Catherine Deneuve: Opportunities are often...

Catherine Deneuve: Opportunities are often...

Opportunities are often things you haven't noticed the first time around.

Source:...

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