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Henny Youngman: I once wanted...

Henny Youngman: I once wanted...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

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Henny Youngman: Some people ask...

Henny Youngman: Some people ask...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little...

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Jerry Stiller: It can make...

Jerry Stiller: It can make...

It can make you sad to look at pictures from your youth. So there's a trick to it. The trick is not to look at the...

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Henny Youngman: How to drive...

Henny Youngman: How to drive...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Source:...

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George Carlin: Let a smile...

George Carlin: Let a smile...

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Source:...

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George Carlin: Some people think...

George Carlin: Some people think...

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too...

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Jeff Foxworthy: If men have...

Jeff Foxworthy: If men have...

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

Source: In Webster's Electronic...

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Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

Jeff Foxworthy: You moon the...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any...

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Groucho Marx: Politics is the...

Groucho Marx: Politics is the...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong...

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George Burns: Too bad that...

George Burns: Too bad that...

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting...

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Paul McCartney: I used to...

Paul McCartney: I used to...

I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird...

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Paul McCartney: All these places...

Paul McCartney: All these places...

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are...

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Willie Nelson: Once you replace...

Willie Nelson: Once you replace...

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive...

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Jerry Garcia: For me, the...

Jerry Garcia: For me, the...

For me, the lame part of the Sixties was the political part, the social part. The real part was the spiritual...

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Victor Borge: My father invented...

Victor Borge: My father invented...

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of...

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Alice Childress: I'm independent as...

Alice Childress: I'm independent as...

I'm independent as a hog on ice and a hog on ice is dead, cold, well-preserved and don't need a mother'grabbin,...

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Garson Kanin: Amateurs hope. Professionals...

Garson Kanin: Amateurs hope. Professionals...

Amateurs hope. Professionals work.

Source: In Quotable Business, ed. Louis E....

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Samuel Goldwyn: I read part...

Samuel Goldwyn: I read part...

I read part of it all the way through.

Source: Attr., quoted in Philip French, The...

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Samuel Goldwyn: That's the trouble...

Samuel Goldwyn: That's the trouble...

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

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Samuel Goldwyn: A verbal contract...

Samuel Goldwyn: A verbal contract...

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Source: attributed
--...

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