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Bill Cosby: Nobody ever says,...

Bill Cosby: Nobody ever says,...

Nobody ever says, 'Can I have your beets?'

Source: In Webster's Electronic...

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Mel Brooks: If Shaw and...

Mel Brooks: If Shaw and...

If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.

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Lenny Bruce: The only honest...

Lenny Bruce: The only honest...

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it . . . try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha...

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Beatrice Lillie: The vows one...

Beatrice Lillie: The vows one...

The vows one makes privately are more binding than any ceremony or even a Shubert...

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Gracie Allen: This used to...

Gracie Allen: This used to...

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

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Alfred Hitchcock: Dialogue should simply...

Alfred Hitchcock: Dialogue should simply...

Dialogue should simply be a sound among other sounds, just something that comes out of the mouths of people whose eyes...

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Frank Capra: Don't follow trends,...

Frank Capra: Don't follow trends,...

Don't follow trends, start trends.

Source: In Friendly Advice, ed. Jon Winokur,...

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Helen Gahagan Douglas: I never felt...

Helen Gahagan Douglas: I never felt...

I never felt I left the stage.

Source: On being a politician; Center Stage,...

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Candice Bergen: Dreams are, by...

Candice Bergen: Dreams are, by...

Dreams are, by definition, cursed with short life spans.

Source: In The Speaker's...

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Barbra Streisand: They're called angels...

Barbra Streisand: They're called angels...

They're called angels because they're in heaven until the reviews come out.

Source:...

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Yoko Ono: Everybody's an artist....

Yoko Ono: Everybody's an artist....

Everybody's an artist. Everybody's God. It's just that they're inhibited.

Source:...

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Duke Ellington: On becoming more...

Duke Ellington: On becoming more...

On becoming more acquainted with the word of the Bible, I began to understand so much more of what I had been taught,...

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Alberta Hunter: Blues means what...

Alberta Hunter: Blues means what...

Blues means what milk does to a baby. Blues is what the spirit is to the minister. We sing the blues because our...

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Agnes George DeMille: When you perform...

Agnes George DeMille: When you perform...

When you perform . . . you are out of yourself larger and more potent, more beautiful. You are for minutes heroic....

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Jerry Stiller: I don't think...

Jerry Stiller: I don't think...

I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.

Source: In...

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George Burns: If I get...

George Burns: If I get...

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a...

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Chet Atkins: Once you become...

Chet Atkins: Once you become...

Once you become predictable, no one's interested anymore.

Source: In The Book of...

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Louis Armstrong: A lotta cats...

Louis Armstrong: A lotta cats...

A lotta cats copy the Mona Lisa, but people still line up to see the original.

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Louis Armstrong: There is two...

Louis Armstrong: There is two...

There is two kinds of music the good and bad. I play the good kind.

Source: In The...

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Tom Lehrer: It is a...

Tom Lehrer: It is a...

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for two...

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